Jim Murphy's FIFA President bid and his legendary response

Jim Murphy has come out of hiding to say how much he loves football, especially the sectarianism and corruption. That is why he is putting himself forward to replace Sepp Blatter as the new President of FIFA, the football world's governing authority.

Jim believes bribes are a great thing, especially when they are paid to him. "Everything in government is done by bribery via lobbyists and it's not done the UK any harm, has it?" Murphy said when questioned earlier today at the Fantasy Fifa President Centre in the borders town of Madeupnock. "Big bribes are big business and I'm fundilymundily in favour of them."

When asked about what measures he would take to bring the game's fans into the tolerant culture of the 21st Century, Jim replied that "removing sectarianism and corruption from football is cultural vandalism" and warned that "the lack of racism and homophobia" had already damaged the game.

Jim further added. "I want to see more people getting drunk at football matches - I mean, you can get drunk at rugby matches, so why not football? And when people get drunk, they love to shout racist, sectarian, misogynistic and homophobic abuse at other football fans who are also shouting the same abuse back. It creates a great atmosphere, especially if the stadium erupts into violence. When the fans behave like that, you obviously need a President that will be just as bad and I promise to be the most corrupt President Fifa's ever had."

Finally, Jim was asked his thoughts on using penalty shoot-outs to decide the winner of World Cup matches that end in a draw. His response was truly legendary. "Everyone knows that the largest fan base gets to win the tournament."

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