Slim Watch No. 002

The goings-on of the world-famous Valorie-Restricted Three: Crash-diet Carmichael, Low-cal Mundell and Binger Murray.


Crash-diet Carmichael has been showing off all his friends this week.

First up, it was Willie Rennie the Leader of the Scottish Lib Dems. He boasted that he'd known Crash-diet for almost thirty years and that we shouldn't force him onto another extreme diet. Instead, he said, we should give him a second chance to stuff himself like a pig. It was the liberal thing to do when confronted with an aberration. Munch, munch, munch!

Then up popped Sir Malcolm Bruce. Yes, old Crash-diet doesn't mingle with the ordinary plebs. Oh no, he's far too sophisticated for that. His friends have titles. Like Leader or Sir. With them battling for you, how can you go wrong? Bruce took to the radio. Listen hear, you rotten lot, he more or less said. We all lie and you'll jolly well be happy with that.

Of course, people weren't happy with that at all. Then Low-cal Mundell got dragged into the mix. He's the Secretary of State for Scotland, you know. He used to work with Crash-diet Carmichael. They must be the best of friends. And as a member of the UK cabinet, Crash-diet must have thought Low-cal's position of power would put an end to all this Carmichael bashing. What did Low-cal say in support? It wisnae me. When a friend becomes a blatant aberration, the Tory thing to do is to stand back and give everyone a chance to attack them.

What a great friend Low-cal is...

Perhaps Binger Murray would be more forthcoming? No, he was too busy stepping down from the board of Hearts football club and singing the praises of Kezia Dugdale (she's in the Scottish Labour leadership race, you know) to worry about Crash-diet and his woes. When a friend becomes a blatant aberration, the Labour thing to do is to give everyone the chance to pretend nothing's happening at all.

So that's my round-up of the week and Crash-diet Carmichael tops the VR3 news for the second week running. Will Low-cal Mundell or Binger Murray do something - I mean, anything, just anything - to beat Crash-diet's headline-grabbing figure?

Only time will tell - but if Crash-diet's friends include lawyers and judges, expect them to be rolled out next week to add a dash of lime and a cocktail cherry to the growing myth of just what a top bloke Crash-diet really is.


Tune in next week for more unbearable goings-on of the most famous diet-group in the world, the Valorie-Restricted Three!

Last week's update: Slim Watch No. 001

Australia launches legal bid against Carmichael

The fundraiser to help the legal challenge to overturn the Orkney & Shetland general election result is now at £47,047 (as at 2pm Sat.).

Yesterday, the legal bid was submitted to the Court of Session in Edinburgh.

However, it's not the only case against Carmichael. Way down under, in Australia, a legal challenge against Carmichael was launched at the end of March, just one day after the dissolution of the UK parliament and one day before Carmichael leaked the Frenchgate memo to the Telegraph.

Did the Australians know something before us?

Sadly not. Their case is not against Alistair Carmichael but against the proposed $16.5bn Carmichael Mine. This would be Australia's largest mine. It is sited in Queensland, the north-eastern segment of Australia, within a coal-rich area called the Galilee Basin. Adani, an Indian company, owns the mine and it is expected to begin exporting coal to India in 3 years time.

Objections against it include climate change risks to the Great Barrier Reef, danger to the Great Barrie Reef by the extra 450 ships needed to take the coal, the risks to million-year-old underground springs and the impact upon native aboriginal ancestral lands.

It is interesting to note that both Scotland and Australia have a nasty big blimp on their northern landscape requiring a legal challenge to sort out.

Is there a Murphy Effect in Irn Bru sales?

AG Barr have posted a 1.1 percent fall in sales, compared to last year, for the 15-week period from 26th Jan to 9th May.

One can't but help wonder if Jim Murphy's use of Irn Bru has harmed that product.

It's certainly put me off it...

Carmichael v Sturgeon

One of the reasons that has been given for Alistair Carmichael not to resign is because we need plurality in Scottish politics. Therefore he must stay to help hold Sturgeon to account and to get a better deal for Orkney & Shetland.

But even ignoring the fact that he's a Westminster MP and not a Holyrood MSP, he's fundamentally damaged his relationship with Sturgeon. His voice now holds no weight at Holyrood. Sturgeon will simply laugh at anything he says and then ask if he's telling a lie again.

If the constituents want a strong voice against Sturgeon, they'd best pick someone else to represent them. In other words, if he really wants to help his constituents then the best thing he could do for them is to resign.

Is The Herald's Michael Settle Blind?

Here is the opening of a piece from yesterday's Herald, it's headline clearly anti-SNP:

You'd think the rest of the article would be about the SNP - but it isn't. After those opening lines above, the article is simply a boring little sketch about how boring the Queen's Speech is and no other politicians or political parties are mentioned. So why are these lines about the SNP added on to the top of it?

And is Michael Settle and his editor blind? Did they not watch the coverage of the State Opening of Parliament on the telly? I clearly saw Angus Robertson - who is an SNP MP, by the way, just in case anyone from The Herald is reading - walking from the House of Commons to the House of Lords. Here is a picture of him doing that from BBC iPlayer's coverage of the State Opening of Parliament:

In case Michael Settle doesn't recognise him, here is a picture of Alex Salmond - who is an SNP MP, by the way, just in case anyone from The Herald is reading - also walking to the House of Lords in the same crowd as Angus Robertson but some distance behind:

Then here is Angus Robertson entering the House of Lords, just behind Hillary Benn who is just behind Prime Minister David Cameron. I mean, really, you can't miss him.

And here is a wider picture showing Alex Salmond watching the Queen's Speech from inside the House of Lords, though the BBC have sneakily caught him while arranging the grip on his papers(or something like that).

In the same photo you can see to Salmond's right a tall chap with a beard and long hair pulled back into a pony tail. That's Chris Law - who is an SNP MP, by the way, just in case anyone from The Herald is reading - the new MP for Dundee West.

Even the BBC's coverage of it included Huw Edwards listing the names of various politicians he recognised as they walked down the corridor to the House of Lords, at one point recognising:

"John Nicholson, one of the new SNP MPs and a former BBC colleague of ours."

The BBC even included amongst their studio commentators Pete Wishart - who is an SNP MP, by the way, just in case anyone from The Herald is reading - as part of their commentating team:

Is the Herald blind or just so hateful of the SNP that they insist the first few lines of any story from now on must contain a blast of vitriol against the SNP?

I can just see the stories:

Sweden win Eurovision but not a Scottish Nationalist in sight.
David Cameron holds first cabinet meeting but not a Scottish Nationalist in sight.
New Horizon probe photographs Pluto but not a Scottish Nationalist in sight.

And so they will go on. I imagine even their historical pieces will start with an anti-SNP blast:

Christopher Columbus discovers America but not a Scottish Nationalist in sight.
Robert the Bruce crowned King of Scotland but not a Scottish Nationalist in sight.
Watson & Crick discover helical shape of DNA but not a Scottish Nationalist in sight.

(Tweet your own versions using #HeraldBlind.)

How tiresome is The Herald?

Why Carmichael is everyone's problem

There is a growing narrative taking root that Alistair Carmichael's dishonesty is a matter for his constituents in Orkney & Shetland. Just about everyone seems to agree on this point.

But they're wrong.

This is a matter for the whole of the UK.

The memo was leaked on the 1st Apr, two days after Alistair Carmichael ceased to be an MP. Dissolution of Parliament means all MPs step down from their constituency posts and a general election is called. So there were no MPs in the whole UK at the time of the leak.

When Alistair Carmichael lied about his involvement with the leak, he was not an MP for Orkney & Shetland. In fact, the entire scandal - from making the leak to lying about the leak - was conducted while he was not an MP.

So why are people claiming that it's up to the people of Orkney & Shetland to deal with him?

If Alistair Carmichael wasn't an MP when any of this happened, does Parliament even have a right to question him on this? Yes they do - because he was still the Secretary of State for Scotland.

Even though Parliament dissolves and there are no longer any MPs, the Government does not dissolve; it continues to run the country. All ministers continue to be ministers until not just the result of the election is known but until a new government is formed (which allows for negotiations to take place in a hung parliament situation).

Alistair Carmichael was thus a member of the UK cabinet when he made the leak and when he lied about not making the leak. His role was as Secretary of State for Scotland; he was not an MP and was not the Orkney & Shetlands' representative.

Thus, it is a matter for the whole of the UK.

Alistair Carmichael's argument for not resigning is this: given he was not an MP during Frenchgate but was a Cabinet minister, then he should resign as a Cabinet minister. Given he'd already lost his Cabinet position, there is nothing more that can be done.

This implies that Alistair Carmichael is not naturally a decent person. It's only when a Code of Conduct applies to him will he behave honourably. During the scandal, only the Ministerial Code applied to him and he's essentially followed it by no longer being in the cabinet. The MP's Code didn't apply to him, so he will not do the honourable thing and resign.

So here we have the true Alistair Carmichael. He has no moral code of his own. It is only when someone else's code is forcibly applied to him will he behave in an honourable fashion.

And that is why Carmichael must go.

BREAKING NEWS: Queen to spank Carmichael!

The Queen is deeply disappointed by Alistair Carmichael's dishonest behaviour and the way he has shamed her government and her parliament.

At the end point of the Queen's Speech in the House of Lords, the Queen's Guards will march Carmichael up to the Throne and drape him over the Queen's knee; the Guards will drop his trousers to reveal his bottom of dishonesty.

The Queen will then spank him and remind him of just how much of a naughty boy he's been!

Call for a Scotland Office 'accuracy' audit

What has been overlooked in the Frenchgate memo affair is the operational nature of the Scotland Office. A meeting between Scottish ministers and representatives of foreign nations should not contain blatant inaccuracies.

The author of the memo recorded the fact that even he didn't believe what he'd just written but submitted it anyway as a factual record of that meeting. Staggeringly, no one in the Scotland Office challenged the legitimacy of this practice.

One then has to question everything the Scotland Office has done under Carmichael's leadership.

How many more memos contain blatant inaccuracies?

Are staff so demoralised at working in the Scotland Office that they just don't care whether a memo is accurate or not?

Why did the fact that when even the author of a memo disbelieves what they've just written did this not flag up that there was a serious problem within the Scotland Office?

As far as I know, no one in the current Conservative government has expressed any concern over these failings. Even the Cabinet Office inquiry concluded that the memo's author "is reliable" and "there is no reason to doubt that he recorded accurately what he thought he had heard."

And that is as far as they went. This person clearly is unreliable and their system for recording such meetings - via a phone call that took place over a week after the meeting took place - is clearly a process that needs to be scrapped entirely.

Perhaps the Conservatives have been lulled into false confidence by the change of the man at the top, from the Lib Dem Carmichael to the Tory David Mundell.

But Mundell was a minister in the Scotland Office both before and during Carmichael's reign, serving as Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State for Scotland from 2010 to 2015. He is possibly tarred by the same failings.

It is time David Cameron took the wider issues around Carmichael and the Frenchgate memo seriously and call for a full review of the procedures and practices within the Scotland Office. Further, he needs another department to check all memos written by the Scotland Office about meetings with foreign representatives to check their accuracy.

Finally, David Cameron has to answer the question: is there a culture of inaccuracy within the Scotland Office?

Was it meeting the Faroese PM that gave Carmichael the idea to smear Sturgeon?

Alistair Carmichael, MP, while Secretary of State for Scotland, travelled to the Faroe Islands a few weeks before parliament closed to meet the Faroese Prime Minister.

Thanks to Gunnar Holm-Jacobsen, Director of the Faroese Foreign Service, for posting this picture on twitter on the 9th Mar 2015:

Alistair Carmichael, as Secretary of State for Scotland, meets Kaj Leo Holm Johannesen, the Prime Minister of  the Faroe Islands, on 9th Mar 2015 in Tórshavn, the capital of the Faroe Islands

The Faroese Government website also notes that during Carmichael's two-day visit, he was to meet with their Minister of Trade & Industry and also with their Minister of Fisheries, amongst others.

As I noted in my An Open Letter to the Constituents of Orkney & Shetland, the Faroe Islands is under Danish control but has a degree of Home Rule, including over some Foreign Affairs. Thus, even though Denmark is a part of the EU, the Faroe Islands chose not to become a member. Thus, the Faroe Islands is a non-EU state.

This is not the first time Carmichael has had a jolly at the taxpayers expense to the Faraoe Islands. Prior to becoming Secretary of State for Scotland, Carmichael was a member of the All-Party Faroe Islands Group and made a number of visits to the islands as noted in the Register of Members' Financial Interests. For example, here is an entry from 6th Sep 2010:

6. Overseas visits
Name of donor: Faroese Government
Address of donor: Representation of the Faroes to London, 55 Sloane St, London SW1X 9SR
Amount of donation (or estimate of the probable value): all costs of the visit, £900
Destination of visit: Faroe Islands
Date of visit: 17-20 August 2009
Purpose of visit: as a member of the All-Party Faroe Islands Group, I travelled to the islands to meet with Faroese parliamentarians and government bodies.
(Registered 16 September 2009)

Note that the visit took place in mid-August but it was almost one month later before he registered the visit. Parliamentary wheels move slowly.

Remember, Carmichael met the Faroese PM on Monday, 9th Mar - that's just three weeks before the UK parliament dissolved for the general election and just 3 weeks and 2 days before the memo was leaked to the Telegraph.

So less than a month after Carmichael's official state visit to the Faroe Islands, he was publicly smearing the First Minister of Scotland. Was it this visit that triggered the idea of leaking the so-called Frenchgate memo?

My reasoning is that senior politicians have to write up memos of the foreign dignitaries they've met. If Carmichael had to write one for his Faroe trip, did he look up Sturgeon's to see how they're normally written?...

Let's look at the dates involved.

Thu, 26th Feb - meeting between Sturgeon and the French ambassador
Thu, 5th Mar - Carmichael meets Mexico's President in Aberdeen
Fri, 6th Mar - memo written in Scotland Office via phone call from Consul General, over one week after Sturgeon met the ambassador
Sat 7th Mar - 2015 Northern Isles Digital Forum in Kirkwall, chaired by Carmichael
Mon 9th Mar - Carmichael's two-day state visit to the Faroe Islands
Thu 12th Mar - Ibrahim Taguri/Danny Alexander cheat-funding-rules allegation

If Alistair Carmichael normally works from the London office but was in Aberdeen on Thu (the day before the memo was written) and then was chairing the Northern Isles Digital Forum in Orkney, which began at 11.30 am on Sat (the day after the memo was written), it is possible he did not go to his London office on Friday at all and thus was not present when the memo got written.

After the Digital Forum on the Sat, he probably relaxed on the Sun before heading to the Faroe Islands for his two-day state visit. He perhaps returned to work in the London office on the Wed - almost a week after the memo was written. More than likely, he spent that first day back just catching up with what had been going on in government while he'd been away for so long.

Danny Alexander shows his gratitude to the Telegraph's fake donor.

The next day, the Telegraph ran with a story that their undercover reporter posed as a donor to the Lib Dems and was told by Ibrahim Taguri how to secretly donate money to them via a third party, which is illegal. Danny Alexander was also implicated and it was a huge story. It is likely that Carmichael was not focussed on his Scotland Office duties but kept rather busy trying to figure out how to minimise the damage to the Lib Dems.

Given the proximity to the dissolution of Parliament, the looming election campaign, the fake donor funding smear, state visits to the Faroe Islands and chairing a Digital Forum meeting in his constituency, looking at a memo of a meeting Sturgeon had with the French Ambassador is probably the last thing on his mind.

One can imagine Alistair Carmichael eventually being quizzed by the civil servants over how the meeting with the Faroese Government went. He'd have then discovered that such briefings are formally recorded and distributed. But he's busy and doesn't like doing paperwork. The civil servants push him. They tell him that Parliament is due to be dissolved soon and that he must write up the account of his Faroese trip.

But he's not sure just how much detail he's expected to give. He decides to look through previous briefings to get a feel for how they are written and how detailed they normally are. It is by doing this that he discovers the memo detailing Nicola Sturgeons meeting with the French ambassador. Then he gets the idea of leaking it.

This is speculation on my part but it is hard to ignore the coincidence of the time scales involved. We know from his previous visits to the Faroe Islands that it normally takes him around a month to register them. Like many of us, he doesn't like doing paperwork. He follows the same pattern this time with the added pressure from the looming dissolution of Parliament. But there is a big difference - he is the Secretary of State for Scotland now and the state wants a formal memo written. Parliament is closing and he feels rushed. If he can just copy a previous one, it'll make it easier to do. He remembers that Nicola Sturgeon met the French ambassador - he knows because he's in the Scotland Office and that's the type of thing he's meant to know. One of his staff even wrote a memo about it. So one can imagine he calls up that memo as an example to follow when he writes up his own.

But in it is a bombshell revelation he wasn't expecting - Sturgeon may have said to the French ambassador that she'd prefer Cameron to Miliband but the memo's author thinks it unlikely and that something was "lost in translation."

Carmichael doesn't care.

Instead of asking the civil servant who wrote the memo to call the French consul general and clear up the confusion so that the state has an accurate record of the meeting, he seizes upon it as a possible way to bring the SNP surge to a sudden halt. From his own admission during the general election campaign, "these things happen." So he probably thought he'd get away with it during the campaign because everyone was attacking the SNP with either lies or misrepresentation. Just the week before, on the 22nd Mar, the Tories had released an animated video showing Ed Miliband dancing to Alex Salmond's tune.

A recorder-playing Alex Salmond forces Ed Miliband to dance to his tune.

Carmichael must have thought that if the Tories could do something like that, then what was the harm of him joining in the fun? And so he did...

Was it really Alistair Carmichael's idea all along? Did he order Euan Roddin to then go and speak to the Telegraph?

I think Alistair Carmichael has serious questions to answer. Was he in the office the day the memo was written? Did he write a memo of his Faroese trip and if so, when? Was it only once the campaign started that he thought he could then lie and cheat without impunity? Does the Faroese Government now feel that they were probably lied to by Carmichael during his state visit, given that he lied shortly after that visit in order to smear the First Minister of Scotland? Is the Faroese memo accurate? Should that now be released to the public? And if Carmichael knew the contents of the Frenchgate memo and knew that it contained doubts over its own accuracy, why didn't he order the matter to be investigated further and the memo rewritten?

It is time Alistair Carmichael properly explained himself to the public and to set out the real timetable of events that led to him discovering the contents of this memo.

An Open Letter to the Constituents of Orkney & Shetland

Dear Orkney & Shetland Constituents

I live on the Scottish mainland so you don't need me telling you what to do about your MP. Yes it's true that Alistair Carmichael has made a fool of himself. But he's your fool and you don't need Scotland butting into your affairs.

And Scotland shouldn't get involved because the memo was leaked a few days after the dissolution of Parliament. As I'm sure you know, all MPs cease being MPs after Parliament dissolves: they simply revert to being members of the public again and have no MP privileges.

So one of your island citizens made a fool of himself and therefore it should be up to you to deal with him.

At least, that's the argument I've seen being put forward. However, it's wrong.

Even though Alistair Carmichael was not an MP, he was still the Secretary of State for Scotland. You can check the official website of the Parliament of the United Kingdom to verify this. If you read the page at http://www.parliament.uk/about/how/elections-and-voting/general/dissolution/, then you'll see that it states:

Parliament and Government are two separate institutions.
The Government does not resign when Parliament is dissolved. Government ministers remain in charge of their departments until after the result of the election is known and a new administration is formed.

Thus, Alistair Carmichael was not your MP when he leaked that memo but he was the Secretary of State for Scotland. This suggests to me that you should butt out of Scotland's affairs and allow us to decide the fate of Alistair Carmichael.

Let me remind you of how our Secretary of State embarrassed Scotland. First, he stupidly leaked a dodgy memo; second, he lied he'd leaked it; and third, he revealed in his apology that he is incompetent by stating he never even read the memo before leaking it.

This is not a good advert for Scotland.

Even though Alistair Carmichael is once again an MP for Orkney & Shetland, he is not paid his salary by you. Instead, he is paid from general taxation. That means all taxpayers in Scotland contribute to the money that pays for him to be an MP. He can also influence and help pass laws that affect Scotland by participating in the business of the House of Commons.

In fact, it is a wider issue than that because all of the UK's taxpayers contribute to his salary & expenses and all of the UK can be affected by how he votes. Wider still, Alistair Carmichael's actions implied that Sylvie Bermann, the French ambassador to the UK, and Pierre-Alain Coffinier, the French consul general in Edinburgh, were liars. Both denied the central claim of the memo - a claim that Alistair Carmichael now admits is "not correct."

Worse, it gets even wider. Prior to the 2010 general election and resulting Tory-Lib Dem coalition, Alistair Carmichael had joined the All-Party Faroe Islands Group. In the Register of Members' Financial Interests, he states he travelled to the Faroe Islands on a number of occasions "to meet with Faroese parliamentarians and government bodies."

Given your proximity to these isalnds, I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that even though the Faroe Islands are under Danish control they are not covered by the treaties of the European Union. That is, the Faroe Isands are not part of the EU. It is likely Alistair Carmichael will once again rejoin this group now he is no longer in government. That is, he'll be representing the UK to the government of a non-EU state as he has done in the past. Do any of us want an apologetic liar representing the UK in this way?

Therefore, this is not just a local issue for the residents of Orkney & Shetland to deal with. Alistair Carmichael has caused an international diplomatic issue as well as defaming the reputation of Scotland's First Minister in a bid to influence the outcome of the general election. He has shamed the UK within and without Europe and therefore must resign as a Member of the Parliament of the United Kingdom.

I hope you, the constituents of Orkney & Shetland, will unite in one voice and call for him to go. You can then elect another member of the Liberal Democrat party to represent your interests. However, given the Liberal Democrat leadership in Scotland is only concerned with Alistair Carmichael's role in this shameful event to the extent of "the impact it has had on his reputation" then I suggest you select someone from a party that will put your interests above their own.

Yours sincerely,

Gregory Beekman
A blog writer from the Scottish mainland
scottitics.blogspot.co.uk

Willie Rennie explosively backs call for second referendum!

In an explosive intervention, leader of the Scottish Liberal Democrats forcibly nailed his colours to the flag of a second Scottish Independence Referendum.

While backing the apologetic liar, Alistair Carmichael, he said in a statement:

"As a liberal I believe that people deserve a second chance."

This is a complete u-turn on his previous statements. For example, he's clearly stated his opposition to giving the people a second chance on independence:

"Nicola Sturgeon must scrap her plan for an accelerated pathway to another referendum."

But, thankfully, he's finally remembered that he's a liberal and that people should be given a second chance after all.

I look forward to him campaigning for the people of Scotland to be given a second chance to vote for Scotland to become an independent country.

Slim Watch No. 001

The goings-on of the world-famous Valorie-Restricted Three: Crash-diet Carmichael, Low-cal Mundell and Binger Murray.

This week saw the MPs return to parliament for the voting in of John Bercow as Speaker. Binger Murray had already been promoted to Shadow Secretary of State for Scotland on the 8th of May and so he got to sit on the front benches in the House of Commons. Labour obviously felt sorry for him and gave him a prominent position next to their acting leader, hoping that might cheer the guilt-ridden binger up.

But you can be alone in a crowded room and Binger Murray looked forlorn and lonely, his narcissistic binging the reason he's the only Labour MP left in Scotland. 

You can plainly see in his face the hunger for more of the selfish feasting for which he's become infamous. Not content with gobbling up all his Scottish Labour colleagues' valories (see here for definition), he's now clearly after Harriet Harman's 25,824 valories. Is there no end to his gluttony?

Binger Murray, staring hungrily at Harriet Harman, thinking: "I bet she'd taste good deep fried."

One almost expects to see him drool in the same way Homer Simpson does over a doughnut. 

"Mmm, valories..."

The resemblance between Binger Murray and Homer is uncanny. No wonder his front-bench colleagues look a little nervous. They must have told him "sit here where we can keep an eye on you." So there he sat, glumly dreaming of binging on other peoples' majorities.

Not so Low-cal Mundell, who bravely smiled to all as he wondered why he hadn't got as prominent a position on the front benches as his Shadow, Binger Murray. If you didn't notice Low-cal Mundell in parliament, then I've helpfully circled him in the enlarged photo below (he's awaaay to Cameron's left).

You can hardly see him for the furniture. Compare that to where Binger Murray is sat, also circled. Low-cal Mundell must be furious inside at this public confirmation of the slim role he'll be playing in government. As David Cameron would have told him, Secretary of State for the Northern Celtic Fringe just isn't that important.

Still, at least it's a rung up from Crash-diet Carmichael who started the week badly and then fell into even more hot oil as the week ended. First, the newly-elected Speaker forgot to call him to speak! The ritual was for the Speaker to call each party's leader to stand up to congratulate the Speaker, new colleagues and the new Father of the House on their positions. Here we see the Speaker initiating the call for parliament to be adjourned until tomorrow, thus signifying the end of that day's parliamentary proceedings.

Looking closer, we see one assistant rush off the benches towards him and the wigged man in front turn round to face him, both hurriedly pointing out that he'd totally forgot to call Crash-diet Carmichael.

Well, the Lib Dems are an easy bunch to forget. But Crash-diet got up and spoke and boasted that he and the few remaining Lib Dems that had managed to cling on as MPs were an "elite cadre." 

As I'm sure you know, by the end of the week he was in an "elite cadre" of one. Sir Jeremey Heywood, the most senior civil servant in Whitehall, had been hunting for the naughty boy who'd leaked a memo to the Telegraph that falsely claimed Sturgeon secretly wanted the Tories to win. Despite Crash-diet denying it was him during the election campaign, it turned out it was him all along.

So he gave an apology where he asserted that since he hadn't read the memo before he authorised leaking it, then he couldn't really be blamed too much. Besides, he was on a diet at the time and clearly was suffering from low blood-sugar levels so he's really, really not to be blamed too much.

Crash-diet, we salute you.

Despite being in close-knit group the Valorie-Restricted Three (VR3), you've managed to outshine your VR3 colleagues and hog all the limelight yourself. Perhaps that's why, shamefully, neither of them have tweeted to your defence.

Does this spell the end of the VR3?

Tune in next week for more unbearable goings-on of the most famous diet-group in the world, the Valorie-Restricted Three!

Last week's update: New to Scottish Politics - it's The Valorie-Restricted Three!

Ireland makes world history!

No other country in the world has legalised same-sex marriage through a referendum of its people. Yesterday (Fri), the good citizens of the Republic of Ireland voted in their droves. Today - less than an hour ago - we finally got the historic results.

To the question of Ireland adding to their written constitution:

‘Marriage may be contracted in accordance with law by two persons without distinction as to their sex.’

Ireland voted

YES 62.1%
NO 37.9 %

Ireland has sent a beacon across Europe for human rights and equality. If a Catholic country like Ireland can embrace this, then any nation can.

For Scotland and the UK, I hope this sends a clear signal to those Tory ministers who voted against same-sex marriage that they were on the wrong side of history and any attempt to resurrect a Thatcher-style Section 28 will not be tolerated by the people.

The Tory love of homophobia must now be consigned to history.

Would you leak something you hadn't seen?

Alistair Carmichael, one of the Valorie-Restricted Three, authorised the leaking of the memo that claimed Nicola Sturgeon had told a French diplomat she'd rather see the Tories win the general election than Ed Miliband.

His role only came to light after an inquiry into the affair and he's been forced into doing some very public apologising. A BBC video shows him apologising and then claiming (my emphasis):

"I'd never actually seen this document and I did not hand it over but I was aware of what was happening - I could have stopped it."

This is extraordinary - he agreed to leak a document he hadn't even read! Not only that, he'd never even seen it!

So we are to believe this is what happened in the Scotland Office.

Euan Roddin, Carmichael's special advisor, gets up off his office chair and walks over to Crash-diet Carmichael's desk. Roddin says "I've got a killer of a memo that'll destroy both the SNP and Labour!"

Crash-diet Carmichael: "Cool! Leak it immediately."

Roddin: "Don't you want to see it first?"

Crash-diet Carmichael: "No, I won't bother."

Roddin: "But this is explosive! It could decide the outcome of the general election! I think you'd better read through it first and then decide."

Crash-diet Carmichael: "Wow, if it's that good, leak it immediately."

Roddin: "But, but, but... this will be the story of the election!"

Crash-diet Carmichael: "Even better! I won't bother reading it though. Just leak it."

Roddin: "You'll probably get asked questions about this - believe me, you need to read this memo!"

Crash-diet Carmichael: "No, just leak it. I totally believe you. I don't need to see the exact wording used or what other state information might be included in that memo. Just you go ahead and leak it, there's a good chap."

Stunned, Roddin walks back to his desk, sits down and then emails the memo to the Telegraph newspaper.

And the Lib Dems want to keep someone as diligent as him in their party and as one of their MPs? I think if Nick Clegg hadn't already resigned as leader of the Lib Dems, there'd be calls for him to do so. If the Lib Dems don't expel Crash-diet Carmichael from the party, I can't see them ever gaining the trust of the electorate again.

Of course, this all assumes Crash-diet Carmichael is not lying about not having read the memo...

He who waits...

Note: there is no exit poll on the Irish gay marriage referendum - or marriage equality as it's rightly called. - so we're going to have to wait on the result... :(

Is David Dimbleby Gay?

There was surprise from David Dimbleby and laughs from the audience at the way Labour MP Stella Creasy answered the final question on last night's BBC Question Time program.

A man in the audience asked a question about the Belfast bakery that was fined £500 for refusing to make a cake with the text "Support Gay Marriage" on it. The questioner was clearly upset by the ruling, asking:

"Should the courts be deciding who's rights and beliefs are more of a priority?"

He followed up by asking

"How can you play top trumps on rights? You can't, can you?"

Before getting to Stella Creasy's answer, which made me wonder if Dimbleby was gay, let's just puncture the audience man's stupidity balloon. Tim Farron was the first to speak and gave a clear answer:

"If you're providing a service, then you need to do so without prejudice, without discrimination, to those who come through your door."

I went into this in detail in Wednesday's blog post, finally concluding:

In a multi-belief society, it's in everyone's interests that businesses and public services are run in a single-belief way: no discrimination to any group

But when it was Stella's turn to speak, she made it personal. She turned to David and asked:

"How would you like it if someone did that to you, David?"

David (somewhat mischievously): "Did what to me?"

Stella: "If somebody judged you in that way..."

And the audience began laughing at the look on David Dimbleby's face. 

David: "You've lost me now."

Stella (turning to look at David): "...that your sexuality was something they could judge in that way..."

Looking at his hands, though, I could see no rings on David's fingers. So I began to doubt myself - was Stella Creasy outing David Dimbleby? A quick Google search revealed the answer, courtesy of an Independent article on him.

David Dimbleby has three children from his first marriage - which lasted 26 years - and now lives with his new (female) partner and their teenage son in a farm in East Sussex. So no, he's not gay.

Which explains David's quizzical look when Creasy began citing his sexuality, why the audience were laughing and why Clumsy Creasy couldn't get the support needed to run for leadership of the Labour party.

Come on Ireland, vote YES!

We can perhaps be forgiven in Scotland for not noticing that a huge referendum is taking place in the Republic of Ireland on Friday (22nd May). First, we had our own referendum in Sep and then a General Election earlier this month. In truth, we've been really rather busy with our own affairs.

The Irish referendum is not about independence (enviably, the Republic of Ireland is already independent of Westminster) but about another issue of equality: this time, not of governance equality but marriage equality.

There are two opposing camps: YES Equality who favour extending marriage to cover gay relationships and the scaremongering NO group who want to keep marriage between a man and a woman.

Famous celebrities like Bono and Daniel O'Donnell (no, he's not gay and is married already - to a woman) are in support of YES and most of parliament are too, with only five MPs against (out of 226).

When the polls open on Friday, Ireland will become the first country in the world to ask its population to extend equality in this way. Some parallels with Scotland's referendum are apparent, though.

1. Young people are far more likely to vote YES, by a 70-30 split. 
2. The elderly are more traditional and are likely to vote NO. 
3. Recent polls show the YES vote falling and the NO vote increasing.
4. There has been a late surge in voter registrations.

However, one big difference is that the same polls show YES comfortably ahead, ranging from 63-73% with NO ranging from 26-31%. But we know from our own referendum and general election that polls can be rather misleading. So watching the counting on Saturday will be just as nerve-wracking as watching our own.

The question they are being asked is a bit of a legal mouthful and not exactly a punchy phrase that trips off the tongue:

‘Marriage may be contracted in accordance with law by two persons without distinction as to their sex.’

For a country famous for kissing the Blarney Stone, I'd have expected something more lyrical! But whatever way Ireland votes, it does have implications for social values not just in Scotland and the UK but across Europe and the wider world.

If a staunchly Catholic country like Ireland votes in favour of gay marriage, it will effectively end any right-wing, Conservative dream in the UK that gay equality can be rolled back. This is a social movement, not a political movement. Indeed, all political parties in Ireland are in favour of marriage equality.

Although it is entirely proper that the people of Ireland decide this issue by themselves for themselves, I can't help but want to travel down to Ayr to stand on the shore and shout:

"Come on Ireland, vote YES!"

Cake wars

Twitter is an interesting place and I found myself replying to a tweet about the gay cake row. A user suggested finding a gay baker and asking for a cake with the text "marriage is between a man and a woman" to be made. Would it be discrimination if they refused?

I love questions like that because they force you to think.

The original gay cake simply asked for the message "Support Gay Marriage" to be on the cake above an image of Bert & Ernie from Sesame St. The Belfast bakery refused, citing their Christian beliefs. A court ruled that the customer is always right and said the bakery had discriminated against them.

If a gay baker refused to put the text "marriage is between a man and a woman" on a cake, would that be discrimination? Technically, the gay baker could argue that the cake text is not legally representative of marriage law: marriage is between any two adults, not just between a man and a woman. Could the baker take the person asking for this slogan to court for being discriminatory? I doubt it, as the baker is not being refused a service.

What if I asked for a large, circular cheese cake to be made and iced to look like the moon, with the text "see? the moon is made of cheese!" on it? That phrase is technically wrong - the moon is not made of cheese. Should the baker also refuse me on that basis?

I think it comes down to how we want to live in society. Do we want every business or social transaction to be conducted intra-tribal? That is, you keep within your own tribe at all times. Do we really want to go back to Catholics can't buy from Protestants, Gays can't speak to Straights, Blacks can't sit with Whites, Women can't work in the same office as Men, and so on?

Now some want a rule that Gays can't speak to Christians and Christians can't speak to Gays. So I think any gay bakery should fulfil the request to put any text on a cake, even if it is "marriage is between a man and a woman."

In a multi-belief society, it's in everyone's interests that businesses and public services are run in a single-belief way: no discrimination to any group.

One apt phrase springs to mind: "you can't have your cake and eat it," i.e. once your cake is eaten, you no longer have (possess) it. The phrase describes two competing but contradictory desires. In the context of 'cake wars,' Christians can't expect society to uphold their beliefs if they won't uphold the beliefs of others.

Again, the only way for society to run itself in the public sphere is for no individual group's beliefs to dominate. Truly, there's nothing like a cake to prove you can't have your cake and eat it.

If you agree, treat yourself to a cake - and please do eat it.

New to Scottish Politics - it's The Valorie-Restricted Three!

Food fads come and go. Some stick to cavemen diets; others to cabbage soup. Here in Scotland, we have the controversial Tartan Diet, an extreme form of valorie restriction. Three brave men have recently claimed it as their own. If you don't know, valorie is the accepted unit of parliamentary majorities, standing for votes above largest other recipient in election, where the election is that within each constituency.

By far the biggest exponents of this extreme diet form are new group, The Valorie-Restricted Three, who shot to fame earlier this month with their astonishing diet successes that took the world by storm. Let's look at their inspirational diet statistics in detail.

Crash-diet Carmichael struggles to land the herring he's to kipper for breakfast.

First up, it's Alistair "Crash-diet" Carmichael, Scotland's lone Lib Dem. No slow modification of eating habits for him. Instead, he achieved an eye-poppingly insane 92% reduction in weight overnight, going from the full-fried-breakfasts-on-a-conveyor-belt diet of 9,928 valories to the I'll-just-have-porridge-and-a-grilled-kipper's mere 817. Crash-diet Carmichael, we salute you. You've shown all Scots that they too can join the "elite cadre" by adopting the Tartan Diet of valorie restriction.

Low-cal Mundell struggles to contain his emotions after being told he can only hold the chip, not eat it.

Then there's David "Low-cal" Mundell, Scotland's lone Conservative. Not as impressive as Crash-diet Carmichael but he still managed to drop his weight by an enviable 81%, going from the double-fish-supper-with-mushy-peas diet of 4,194 valories to a lick-of-the-chip-poke 798. Sadly, it wasn't a big enough reduction to get him that gravy-train position in the House of Lords. Still, Low-cal Mundell should be encouraged as his diet is moving in the right direction. We have high hopes for him to do much better next time.

However, caution should be urged when going on this extreme diet. Crash-diet Carmichael recently saw ten of his friends waste away to nothing and perish. Low-cal Mundell remembers a similar experience almost two decades previously, when an entire group of healthy Conservatives fatally experimented with valorie restriction.

Binger Murray: "sod the diet, I'm getting stuffed"

Perhaps that's why Ian "Binger" Murray, Scotland's lone Labour, decided he'd had enough of valorie restriction, exchanging his empty-belly, celery-sticks diet of 316 valories to a monstrous binge-mad, burnt BBQ bonanza of 2,637. Unfortunately, his selfish gluttony meant there were no valories left for his hungry colleagues and all forty of his fellow belly rumblers perished as a result. Binger Murray clearly thinks only of himself. I'm sure guilt will force him back on the Tartan Diet soon.

But what are these global icons up to now? How do they live their lives? The world wants to know! So tune in on Sunday for what we hope will be a regular feature called Slim Watch where we'll keep you up to date with goings-on of the most famous diet group in the world: The Valorie-Restricted Three.

BREAKING NEWS: bin fire by Donald Dewar statue

Well, it's hardly news but I did walk past the bin opposite the Donald Dewar statue in Glasgow and saw it on fire at about 7:30 pm Mon evening. Like a number of other people, I reasoned there was such a small amount of litter on the floor of the bin that it would harmlessly burn itself out. Thus, no point in calling out a fire engine for that.

Then a fire engine turned up, parking just by Donald Dewar. The 'smoke' you see on the photos is what appeared after the hose was turned on the flames. I don't know how much it costs in fuel to drag a fire engine out but I'm sure it was a waste of money.

Is 'poll tax peer' Andrew Dunlop even a Lord yet?

The Scottish Press have gone ballistic over the appointment of Andrew Dunlop to the Scotland Office as Secretary of State for Scotland's David Mundell's assistant. Dunlop was an advisor to Maggie Thatcher and believed to be instrumental in bringing about the dreaded poll tax back in 1989. He also worked as an advisor to David Cameron during the Scottish Independence Referendum.

Worse, where Mundell is an MP, Dunlop is unelected. So David Cameron made him a member of the House of Lords so that he could become Mundell's Parliamentary Under Secretary of State. But is Andrew Dunlop a Lord?

Checking the government website that shows Her Majesty's Government: May 2015, the Scotland Office entry reads thus:

Note it doesn't say Lord Dunlop. Perhaps they're a little behind the times? The House of Lords will be bang up to date, of course. It even helpfully has a New Members section. But there's only been three Lords appointed this year, all before Parliament dissolved for the general election (The Lord Thurlow's real name gives me amusement: Roualeyn Hovell-Thurlow-Cumming-Bruce.)

According to this guide to How members are appointed to the House of Lords, new members have to be approved by the Queen. It helpfully shows the types of peerages, including

It looks like the Prime Minister doesn't even need MPs - he can just create as many ministerial peerages as he likes to run the government for him. Why does he even bother with backbenchers?

Perhaps it's the time delay in getting a new Lord appointed. The above site points out

Nicola Sturgeon had better meet Andrew Dunlop as many times as possible to firmly establish the protocol that she doesn't curtsy to him before he becomes a Lord and gets all big-headed about it.

Though why anyone would get big-headed at becoming a Parliamentary Under Secretary of State is anyone's guess. According to this Wiki page on the subject, it's the lowest of the low in the government minister hierarchy. The page notes that

Having been an under secretary in Macmillan's 1957-1963 Conservative government, the Duke of Devonshire noted:

"No one who hasn't been a Parliamentary Under Secretary of State has any conception of how unimportant a Parliamentary Under Secretary of State is".

A costly, pointless appointment just to keep the lone Tory in Scotland from feeling quite so lonely as he does. I'm sure Scottish taxpayers will be glad their taxes are being spent on something so worthless.

Is Jim Murphy repositioning Scottish Labour as anti-London?

Even though Jim Murphy won the vote of no confidence, he will resign as leader of Scottish Labour. In a speech yesterday, he said:

"So when I table that report at next month’s meeting of the Scottish Labour Party Executive, I will also table my resignation as Leader of Scottish Labour."

The report he mentions is his "plan for reshaping the Scottish Labour Party." He says no option "will be off the table…except the status quo." But in his speech, he takes time to attack Len McCluskey - for being down in London and trying to dictate to Scotland:

"I know that in the past few days, and I have become used to this over the last few years, I have been at the centre of a campaign by the London leadership of the Unite union in blaming myself and the Scottish Labour party for the defeat of the UK Labour party in the general election. That is a grotesque insult to the Scottish Labour party.
It is a grotesque insult to our thousands of volunteers, from someone who pays occasional fleeting visits to our great country."

He further adds:

"The leader of the Scottish Labour Party doesn't serve at the grace of Len McCluskey and the next leader of the UK Labour Party should not be picked by Len McCluskey."

The Herald reports that he also said:

"The siren voice from behind a big desk in Unite's headquarters in London shouldn't be allowed to instruct what the Scottish Labour Party does. Len McCluskey and the Unite leadership in London are the type of people who could back the wrong horse in a one horse race."

Is this blatant attack on someone from London "who pays occasional fleeting visits to our great country" the start of Scottish Labour finally doing what it says on the tin - being Scottish?

David Cameron confirms David Mundell's "SNP to beg for more powers" position

After meeting Nicola Sturgeon in Edinburgh yesterday, David Cameron said via the Conservatives YouTube channel:

"I am of course happy to consider other proposals but I think we need to implement what we promised before diving into further changes... I don't support Full Fiscal Autonomy for Scotland."

So although both Cameron and Sturgeon have stressed that both are agreed to implement in full the Smith Commission proposals for new powers for the Holyrood parliament, it's pretty clear that that is as far as it goes.

The Herald newspaper is reporting, under the rather misleading headline Cameron: I'm open to going beyond the Smith Commission agreement (behind a paywall), that he said (my emphasis):

"If the First Minister wants to send some proposals for me to look at I'm very happy to examine proposals. There's going to be a debate. I don't rule out making other changes if sensible suggestions are made.
"There's going to be a debate in Parliament. The Scottish National Party now has 56 members of Parliament. There's going to be a Scotland Bill. It will be an opportunity for them to put forward amendments. There'll be debates over that Bill. I think it will be quite good that those people who want full fiscal autonomy will have to define what they mean and put forward proposals everyone else can scrutinise."

The hideous colours highlight that David Cameron is putting the onus on them to send and debate - he will not be pro-actively suggesting new powers himself. This echoes what David Mundell said earlier this week, that the SNP will be able to "make their views known in parliament" and that it gave them the opportunity to "debate and discuss" the Smith Commission proposals.

It's a pretty clear position, couched in a more diplomatic tone than blunt Mundell managed but still the same position: the UK government is happy to implement Smith but for further powers to be devolved, the SNP will have to fight it out in the House of Commons.

With probably only the 3 Plaid Cymru MPs and the 1 Green MP likely to support the 56 SNP MPs, and with Sinn Fein's 4 MPs not sitting in the House of Commons, that leaves 586 MPs who will likely fight tooth-and-nail against the SNP.

Expect to hear more about how the SNP can "debate" issues in parliament, code for the SNP can beg all they want - they ain't getting no new powers.

test post - ignore

don't read me!

I'm just a test!

Why Nicola Sturgeon will have to curtsy to Lord Dunlop

Poor lone Scottish Tory David Mundell.

He's got no pals at all.

The 56 SNP MPs don't like him, giving he's signalled he wants them to beg for more powers. And Ian Murray, the lone Scottish Labour MP doesn't like him either, given that working with him in Better Together caused the mass extinction all of Ian's best pals.

You might think Alistair Carmichael, the lone Scottish Liberal Democrat, will be a good pal to him since they spent 5 years in coalition government together. But, no, he can't stand him either because he blames the Tories for the near total UK wipe out of all his pals too.

He's a toxic one, that Mundell.

But poor Mundell. Aw.

To make matters worse, David Cameron made him Secretary of State for Scotland. Now everyone knows he sits in the Scotland Office all by himself, with just the whir of the computer and the drinks machine for company.

Poor, poor, Mundell, wailing in the dark, all alone - will no one help him?

Then phoof! David Cameron appears, like a fairy godmother, and grants him his wish. "You shall have a friend!" he cries and, before his very eyes, Andrew Dunlop appears. "I've made him a Lord so he can be your new Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State," says David as he disappears in a cloud of smoke.

Mundell is confused. "But I'm in charge here!" he cries.

"You will bow your head to me and do what I tell you, for I am a Lord," Dunlop tells him sternly.

"But I'm a Right Honourable!"

"That's only a title you get because as a Cabinet minister you are part of the Privy Council," informs Dunlop. "I, on the other hand, am a proper Lord. Kneel and show your allegiance."

Mundell knows he's beat. He kneels and bows his head before his Lord and master.

"Now rise Mundell and bring that common lass with the tin hat to me so she can show due deference to my Lordy position."

"You want Nicola Sturgeon to come and curtsy before you?" asks Mundell with sudden glee.

"Yes and bring all the TV cameras and press photographers. Once she publicly curtsies to me, I'll rule all of Scotland!"

Mundell sees a problem. "Will Scotland accept this ancient aristocratic, hierarchical principal?"

"Even Prince William's wife Kate has to curtsey to her own daughter Princess Charlotte because Charlotte is a proper blood Princess, while Kate is nothing but a commoner. If she can do it, so can Sturgeon. Now get her!"

 "Yes sir," replies Mundell, bowing grovellingly as he walks backwards out of the room, his mind joyously picturing the crowds cheering as Sturgeon curtsies to Lord Dunlop.

David Mundell signals the SNP will have to beg for powers

David Mundell, the lone Tory in Scotland and thus the Secretary of State for Scotland, signalled last night that he would not be pro-actively campaigning for more powers for Scotland.

His stance was made blindingly apparent in a rather blunt interview yesterday evening with Rona Dougall on Scotland Tonight, a Scottish news & current affairs program on STV. At first he said he wanted to develop "a constructive approach with the Scottish government," complaining that there had been too much "politicking" and too much "bickering" in the past between Holyrood and Westminster

However, this "constructive approach" was quickly made clear to mean that he would only work to implement the Smith Commission proposals for new powers to Holyrood. When presenter Rona Dougall asked him if he accepted the SNP landslide victory gave them a mandate to seek further powers, he replied that the SNP will be able to "make their views known in parliament" and that it gave them the opportunity to "debate and discuss" the Smith Commission proposals.

When pushed on this, he said that "the governments position is to implement the Smith Commission" and added that the SNP "are at perfect liberty" to put forward amendments and "they'll be listened to and in the normal course of parliament, some amendments may be passed and others may not be." Asked what further powers he might consider devolving, he bluntly stated "Just be clear, I'm not suggesting that we're proposing further powers - we're not."

So much for David Mundell's "constructive approach." What this boils down to is that the Tory government believes the Smith Commission is all that Scotland needs and is all that Scotland is getting. If the SNP want any more powers, they're going to have fight for them in the House of Commons.

He also made the fatuous claim that implementation of the Smith proposals would make Scotland the most powerful devolved parliament in the world - but we know that is not true, with even an article in today's Daily Mail pointing out that "Holyrood will become the third most powerful devolved parliament in the world, behind Canada's state governments and the canton administrations of Switzerland."

When asked if he agreed with Boris Johnson that federalism was now the way forward for the UK, he bluntly ruled it out by stating "I don't agree with federalism."

This is the UK democracy in action. Despite the fact that 50.0 % of the Scottish electorate voted for the SNP and their desire for more powers for Holyrood, a party that polled just 14.7 % of the same vote in Scotland is now dictating what the people of Scotland will get.

Given that David Cameron has U-turned on his notion that the United Kingdom is not one nation but a family of four, and stated in his victory speech on Friday that:

"We will govern as a party of one nation, of one United Kingdom."

then we can clearly see the direction of Union politics during the next 5 years of Tory majority rule. The Tories are in charge of all of the UK and they will fight tooth and nail to keep it that way.