Slim Watch No. 002

The goings-on of the world-famous Valorie-Restricted Three: Crash-diet Carmichael, Low-cal Mundell and Binger Murray.


Crash-diet Carmichael has been showing off all his friends this week.

First up, it was Willie Rennie the Leader of the Scottish Lib Dems. He boasted that he'd known Crash-diet for almost thirty years and that we shouldn't force him onto another extreme diet. Instead, he said, we should give him a second chance to stuff himself like a pig. It was the liberal thing to do when confronted with an aberration. Munch, munch, munch!

Then up popped Sir Malcolm Bruce. Yes, old Crash-diet doesn't mingle with the ordinary plebs. Oh no, he's far too sophisticated for that. His friends have titles. Like Leader or Sir. With them battling for you, how can you go wrong? Bruce took to the radio. Listen hear, you rotten lot, he more or less said. We all lie and you'll jolly well be happy with that.

Of course, people weren't happy with that at all. Then Low-cal Mundell got dragged into the mix. He's the Secretary of State for Scotland, you know. He used to work with Crash-diet Carmichael. They must be the best of friends. And as a member of the UK cabinet, Crash-diet must have thought Low-cal's position of power would put an end to all this Carmichael bashing. What did Low-cal say in support? It wisnae me. When a friend becomes a blatant aberration, the Tory thing to do is to stand back and give everyone a chance to attack them.

What a great friend Low-cal is...

Perhaps Binger Murray would be more forthcoming? No, he was too busy stepping down from the board of Hearts football club and singing the praises of Kezia Dugdale (she's in the Scottish Labour leadership race, you know) to worry about Crash-diet and his woes. When a friend becomes a blatant aberration, the Labour thing to do is to give everyone the chance to pretend nothing's happening at all.

So that's my round-up of the week and Crash-diet Carmichael tops the VR3 news for the second week running. Will Low-cal Mundell or Binger Murray do something - I mean, anything, just anything - to beat Crash-diet's headline-grabbing figure?

Only time will tell - but if Crash-diet's friends include lawyers and judges, expect them to be rolled out next week to add a dash of lime and a cocktail cherry to the growing myth of just what a top bloke Crash-diet really is.


Tune in next week for more unbearable goings-on of the most famous diet-group in the world, the Valorie-Restricted Three!

Last week's update: Slim Watch No. 001