Why Nicola Sturgeon will have to curtsy to Lord Dunlop

Poor lone Scottish Tory David Mundell.

He's got no pals at all.

The 56 SNP MPs don't like him, giving he's signalled he wants them to beg for more powers. And Ian Murray, the lone Scottish Labour MP doesn't like him either, given that working with him in Better Together caused the mass extinction all of Ian's best pals.

You might think Alistair Carmichael, the lone Scottish Liberal Democrat, will be a good pal to him since they spent 5 years in coalition government together. But, no, he can't stand him either because he blames the Tories for the near total UK wipe out of all his pals too.

He's a toxic one, that Mundell.

But poor Mundell. Aw.

To make matters worse, David Cameron made him Secretary of State for Scotland. Now everyone knows he sits in the Scotland Office all by himself, with just the whir of the computer and the drinks machine for company.

Poor, poor, Mundell, wailing in the dark, all alone - will no one help him?

Then phoof! David Cameron appears, like a fairy godmother, and grants him his wish. "You shall have a friend!" he cries and, before his very eyes, Andrew Dunlop appears. "I've made him a Lord so he can be your new Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State," says David as he disappears in a cloud of smoke.

Mundell is confused. "But I'm in charge here!" he cries.

"You will bow your head to me and do what I tell you, for I am a Lord," Dunlop tells him sternly.

"But I'm a Right Honourable!"

"That's only a title you get because as a Cabinet minister you are part of the Privy Council," informs Dunlop. "I, on the other hand, am a proper Lord. Kneel and show your allegiance."

Mundell knows he's beat. He kneels and bows his head before his Lord and master.

"Now rise Mundell and bring that common lass with the tin hat to me so she can show due deference to my Lordy position."

"You want Nicola Sturgeon to come and curtsy before you?" asks Mundell with sudden glee.

"Yes and bring all the TV cameras and press photographers. Once she publicly curtsies to me, I'll rule all of Scotland!"

Mundell sees a problem. "Will Scotland accept this ancient aristocratic, hierarchical principal?"

"Even Prince William's wife Kate has to curtsey to her own daughter Princess Charlotte because Charlotte is a proper blood Princess, while Kate is nothing but a commoner. If she can do it, so can Sturgeon. Now get her!"

 "Yes sir," replies Mundell, bowing grovellingly as he walks backwards out of the room, his mind joyously picturing the crowds cheering as Sturgeon curtsies to Lord Dunlop.