New to Scottish Politics - it's The Valorie-Restricted Three!

Food fads come and go. Some stick to cavemen diets; others to cabbage soup. Here in Scotland, we have the controversial Tartan Diet, an extreme form of valorie restriction. Three brave men have recently claimed it as their own. If you don't know, valorie is the accepted unit of parliamentary majorities, standing for votes above largest other recipient in election, where the election is that within each constituency.

By far the biggest exponents of this extreme diet form are new group, The Valorie-Restricted Three, who shot to fame earlier this month with their astonishing diet successes that took the world by storm. Let's look at their inspirational diet statistics in detail.

Crash-diet Carmichael struggles to land the herring he's to kipper for breakfast.

First up, it's Alistair "Crash-diet" Carmichael, Scotland's lone Lib Dem. No slow modification of eating habits for him. Instead, he achieved an eye-poppingly insane 92% reduction in weight overnight, going from the full-fried-breakfasts-on-a-conveyor-belt diet of 9,928 valories to the I'll-just-have-porridge-and-a-grilled-kipper's mere 817. Crash-diet Carmichael, we salute you. You've shown all Scots that they too can join the "elite cadre" by adopting the Tartan Diet of valorie restriction.

Low-cal Mundell struggles to contain his emotions after being told he can only hold the chip, not eat it.

Then there's David "Low-cal" Mundell, Scotland's lone Conservative. Not as impressive as Crash-diet Carmichael but he still managed to drop his weight by an enviable 81%, going from the double-fish-supper-with-mushy-peas diet of 4,194 valories to a lick-of-the-chip-poke 798. Sadly, it wasn't a big enough reduction to get him that gravy-train position in the House of Lords. Still, Low-cal Mundell should be encouraged as his diet is moving in the right direction. We have high hopes for him to do much better next time.

However, caution should be urged when going on this extreme diet. Crash-diet Carmichael recently saw ten of his friends waste away to nothing and perish. Low-cal Mundell remembers a similar experience almost two decades previously, when an entire group of healthy Conservatives fatally experimented with valorie restriction.

Binger Murray: "sod the diet, I'm getting stuffed"

Perhaps that's why Ian "Binger" Murray, Scotland's lone Labour, decided he'd had enough of valorie restriction, exchanging his empty-belly, celery-sticks diet of 316 valories to a monstrous binge-mad, burnt BBQ bonanza of 2,637. Unfortunately, his selfish gluttony meant there were no valories left for his hungry colleagues and all forty of his fellow belly rumblers perished as a result. Binger Murray clearly thinks only of himself. I'm sure guilt will force him back on the Tartan Diet soon.

But what are these global icons up to now? How do they live their lives? The world wants to know! So tune in on Sunday for what we hope will be a regular feature called Slim Watch where we'll keep you up to date with goings-on of the most famous diet group in the world: The Valorie-Restricted Three.