Binger Murray has finally accepted he was guilty of stuffing his gob with all the valories of his fellow Scottish Labour MPs, which resulted in their downfall. To atone for his greed, he allowed himself to be publicly punished the old-fashioned way - by being placed in the stocks:
Unfortunately, it was only water-filled sponges that were thrown at him by the pupils of St Peter's Primary. Didn't stop him from catching the sponges in his mouth and sucking them dry, the greedy little glutton.
Still, Kezia Dugdale was happy. She believes it's time for the next generation to lead the Scottish Labour party. Polls showed only 5% of 25-34 year-olds will vote Labour but 80% will vote SNP. She wants to get down with the kids. Well, the kids of St Peter's Primary are ready and waiting. When the Second Apocalypse of Scottish Labour takes place in the 2016 Holyrood elections, Kezia needn't worry - her place in the Splat your MSP stocks is already guaranteed.
Unfortunately for Crash-diet Carmichael, his place as an MP is anything but guaranteed. The good folks of Orkney & Shetland are still after him for his leaking of the Frenchgate memo and then telling fibs about it. Low-cal Mundell helped his old buddy by saying it was nothing to do with him and to prove it, he'll keep everything about the memo secret. Yes, that's right. If a diet is good enough for old Low-cal, then a strict fasting of the truth is good for everyone else.
To distract the population from Frenchgate, Low-cal started talking about buses. Yes, there's a trial bus service going through his neck of the woods to help with rural transport. It's the new 73 service. Much better than that X74 Stagecoach service that wouldn't stop where he ordered it to. Still, at least there's no danger of him being served nuts in a bag on either service, so he should count himself lucky.
But the distraction didn't work. It's going to take more than buses to pull the French wool over Scotland's eyes. Perhaps both Crash-diet and Low-cal could follow Binger's example and voluntarily put themselves into the stocks? They could even do a tour round Scotland. There's nothing like Splatting an MP to cheer up the nation. And we need cheering up after the key plank of the Vow was dishonoured when Westminster voted against making the Scottish parliament permanent. Low-cal was delighted. He believes only Westminster should be permanent. It's like Little Britain's sketch "I'm the only gay in the village." Anthropomorphising Westminster, I can see it pout and claim "I'm the only parliament in the UK village!"
No, you're not. Perhaps the school children of St Peter's Primary should make a Splat your Parliament stockade too? But hold on to your haggisses! Isn't that what the general election is? Well, at least in Scotland. Just a shame Westminster is able to throw our wet sponges right back at us.
Speaking of wet sponges, a spell in the kids' Splat your MP stall may actually help Crash-diet win back the trust of the people who voted for him, which he announced he is now trying to do. The lack of valories must be going to his head though, making him sluggish and confused. Can you believe he said this?
"I understand that there are a few people who have lost a bit of trust in me."
Only a few? Well, that's all right then. No need for us to bother with that court case against him for telling porkies during the election campaign. Especially now we've got a Splat your MP stall. Thanks to Binger for showing us the way.
For being so honest, for admitting his guilt, for voluntarily putting himself in the stocks, I give Binger Murray the top spot in this weeks VR3 charts. It's just a shame he was so hungry afterwards, he terrorised the school canteen like a modern-day Pacman, chasing the kids round the tables and scoffing up any packed lunches they dropped. They would have put him back in the stocks for his shameless gluttony but he'd eaten them too.
With no stocks, bang goes the people's criminal justice system. We're back to MPs doing as they please...
Tune in next week for more unbearable goings-on of the most famous diet-group in the world, the Valorie-Restricted Three!
Last week's update: Slim Watch No. 004
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