Slim Watch No. 003

The goings-on of the world-famous Valorie-Restricted Three: Crash-diet Carmichael, Low-cal Mundell and Binger Murray.


What have our majority dieters been up to? First, let's look at Binger Murray.

Image from here.

I've been keeping an eye on his website but it's been rather void of information, just displaying a note thanking his constituents for voting for him. Then - shock! horror! - he actually posted something on his page on the 2nd of June. Alas it was a rant about the SNP, cunningly disguised as a post on devolution and the Scotland Bill. Poor Binger just can't help gnashing away at the SNP. They're not a food source, you know. It took him the best part of a month since being elected before putting something up on his website. What's he been doing all that time? Doesn't he know the tax payer is funding him? Perhaps he's been on a grief-stricken food binge at the loss of so many of his Labour colleagues. Aw...

However, he did take time out from binging to appear in a Guardian article titled Ian Murray: the last Scottish Labour MP standing. The Guardian clearly haven't heard he's now known as Binger Murray. Sigh. These London media types just never learn, do they?

Commenting on Labour losing 40 out of 41 of its MPs (which is 97.6% of them, by the way), he said "It was pretty devastating really." A man of understatement? Or was he just too busy binging on pan-seared scallops with asparagus and pancetta to manage longer sentences?

He paused long enough to blame Scottish nationalism for the rise in the English nationalism that defeated Labour in England. Of course, there was no mention of the fact that the claim is total nonsense. Another myth in the making. Just like his next statement: "we had a very positive policy platform – I was quite excited about it." Really? Then why did you lose the election so badly? Sadly, the Guardian doesn't pose such difficult questions.

What of the other members of the Valorie-Restricted Three? Binger Murray says they "have a responsibility to work together" but goes on to say he's also happy to work with the SNP and expects Labour and the SNP to be on the same side on most issues. What a shame Ed Miliband couldn't be so forthcoming during the election campaign. He might have won if he had. Instead, he's sat in a darkened corner eating nothing but bacon sandwiches. A darkened corner? Yes, he's hiding them from Binger. He'll scoff anything, him.

At PMQs this week, none of the VR3 asked questions. Of course, Binger Murray and Low-cal Mundell are on the front benches, so their leaders speak on their behalf. But what of Crash-diet Carmichael? Looks as if he's hiding, hoping the legal challenge to his election victory will go away. Does this mean we'll never hear from any of the VR3 at PMQs? That leaves only the SNP to speak up for Scotland in the most widely-watched parliamentary TV.

Thursday saw yet another day of debating the Queen's Speech, this time on devolution. (For such a short speech, the House of Commons is getting a lot of mileage out of it.) Binger Murray put a nice picture of himself on Facebook along with a nice quote about taking power off the SNP ministers and giving it to Labour councillors - the so-called double devolution - but he didn't actually give a speech that day. So a rather misleading post - though he was there and voted the same way as the SNP. One wonders if Alex Salmond took pity on him and gently led him by the hand through the correct lobby? Knowing Binger Murray, he probably thought he was being taken to the canteen.

Low-cal Mundell was probably staring angrily at Binger as the little glutton voted in opposition to himself. It's satisfying to know that Low-cal's Tory vote is nicely cancelled out by Binger's Labour one. They'd be as well as agreeing to spend time in the canteen together whenever a vote is taking place. Perhaps Low-cal could beg for a few scraps from Binger's plate? Or perhaps a sip from his diamond coffee, sourced from coffee beans in a weasel cat's droppings in the Sumatran jungle, at just £325 per cup. The Binger knows how to treat himself. For cancelling out his vote, the Binger ordered Low-cal removed from the canteen. So much for having a "responsibility to work together."

Still, Binger wasn't for giving up and appeared in Parliament again on Friday to ask about changes to wind farm subsidies and their impact on Scotland. He's a plucky one is our Binger. When he's not stuffing his face. It'll be deep-fried bacon sandwiches next.

So that's my round-up of the week and Binger Murray tops the VR3 news for the very first time, ending Crash-diet Carmichael's two-week run at the top spot. Will Binger hold on at number one or will Crash-diet come out of hiding to reclaim his crown? Only time will tell...


Tune in next week for more unbearable goings-on of the most famous diet-group in the world, the Valorie-Restricted Three!

Last week's update: Slim Watch No. 002