Slim Watch No. 006

The goings-on of the world-famous Valorie-Restricted Three: Crash-diet Carmichael, Low-cal Mundell and Binger Murray.

On Monday night, the BBC aired a programme called The Fall of Labour which chronicled just how rubbish Scottish Labour have been. Of course, Binger Murray would obviously be keen to comment on that programme. In fact, being the last Labour MP in Scotland, you'd imagine he'd be begging to be part of the documentary.

Instead, he was nowhere in sight. He wasn't included in the documentary and never made any comment about it after it aired. But he did crawl out of hiding to praise former MP and Shadow Scottish Secretary Margaret Curran's piece in the Daily Mail about vile, nasty cybernattery - even though most of the piece was made up.

Just like this blog post. It's only meant to be a little bit of fun - an attempt at a little bit of humour to make politics seem less like academics fighting a war. Who's got the time to read every report and every dossier on every subject? Not Binger. He's too busy swallowing whole curried goats and eyeing up what's on his neighbour's plate.

The restaurants at Fort Kinnaird retail park are his favourite. He probably goes there with Low-cal Mundell when he's sneakily taking a break from his valorie-restriction diet. This retail park, on the outskirts of Edinburgh, is to become an island of Britishness in an otherwise sea of Scottishness. Despite the Crown Estate being devolved to Scotland, Low-cal confirmed that properties like the Fort Kinnaird are just making too much cash for the British Treasury to let it go. It's the equivalent of an inland oil rig and they won't devolve it until they suck it dry.

But all this passed poor Crash-diet Carmichael by. He was too busy trying to re-fight the referendum, accusing David Cameron of "almost psychopathic ruthlessness" for daring to talk about England and his half-baked attempt to give it a form of devolution via English votes for English laws. But he's months out of date. The referendum is over and shouting about it won't rally the union flag wavers of Orkney & Shetland to help him keep his post. His diet is about to become enforced starvation.

So who should top the charts of this weeks VR3 news? It has to be Low-cal Mundell. Who else has the nerve to appear in Holyrood and claim that Westminster keeping the good bits of Scotland for itself and giving Scotland the rubbish bits was a great deal for Scotland? I guess he thinks if he's on a diet, then the rest of Scotland should be too. Especially an economic diet. Who in their right mind would want uppity jocks to have access to their own wealth?


Will Low-cal hold on to the top spot or will Binger surprise us all by publicly admitting Scottish Labour's past failures? Only time will tell...

Tune in next week for more unbearable goings-on of the most famous diet-group in the world, the Valorie-Restricted Three!

Last week's update: Slim Watch No. 005